It’s that time of year again…for the S.H.I.T.S…

At this time every year I get the S.H.I.T.S

 

Now, before you start reading let me just put you straight – this is not a post about bowel movements. It is not a post about toilet habits, nor is it a post that ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith would be remotely interested in.

 

This is a post about our house and the invasion that occurs every year. By beasts. Mahoosive, scuttley, black, speedy, nasty, creepy beasts. I am of course talking about the 8 legged menace House Spider (Jeeeez it’s hard to even type that word!). Male or female, all I know is that they rock up, waltz in and assume that they can live here. Well NEWSFLASH you little creeps – You Can’t! Now beat it!

 

Since my childhood my Mum has always dealt with these invaders. I was shooed from the room whilst Mum fetched one of Dad’s boots and ….well, let’s say bashed the hell out of them. This was fine as I never had to deal with them. Until I went to Uni. Then I had to toughen up. But I found that having been out of the room when Mum had dealt with them, it was nearly impossible for me now, a grown adult, to cross back over the room threshold after I had left to get kitchen roll or some kind of removal device. Plus, if I left the room then the little fekker might hide – then I could literally NEVER go back in the room, traumatised in the knowledge that it was lurking in there….somewhere .  The thought of not knowing where it had retreated to terrified me. I would much rather be stuck in the room watching it, intensely, whilst calling for a housemate to assist me.

On one occasion in my student flat there was one crawling around the edge of my sunflower mirror (I was a teenager in the 90’s give me a break!) I backed out of the room, my back pressed against my cupboard and without taking my eyes off it got my flat mate up; Rugby player, sports student, student union security  – you get the picture, a big tough guy. Having woken him he grudgingly came to my aid making digs all the time at how wimpy I was and why could I not handle a spider. Then he saw it – ‘I’m not going anywhere near that’ he yelled!! Now, I had debated for what seemed like an eternity, which flat mate guy to wake and I’d chosen this one because I thought he would be the one least likely to rib me for this incident the following morning. His exclamation obviously woke my other house mate – also, male, rugby player, sports student, union security. Luckily, due to the wuss-ness of flatmate numero uno flat mate mark 2 honed in on this side of the situation and not my initial need to get rid of a spider. I was left unscathed whilst numero uno had to put up with weeks of spider jokes! Thankfully mark 2 house bud scooped the webby blighter into an old Chinese takeaway tub and disposed of it on the otherside of the road from our flat. Yes. I insisted he walk outside, cross the road and deposit the critter as far away as he would take it, given that it was about 1am. Thanks mark 2! Love you for ever!

 

So, bang up to date now and being a mother and very often dealing with these things in the dead of night (bloody typical isn’t it!) because Hubs is on a night shift I have developed my own unique and highly effective way of dealing with these….creatures.

I have a well chosen shoe of Hubs’ on the landing – it has been selected for its smooth sole – nothing worse than scraping spider guts out of a shoe with deep treads! I also have a selection of sprays on hand – hairspray of the strongest variety, Raid, Febreeze and even Hubs’ deodorant! In the time since I have become the woman of the house – just over 14 years now since we bought our first little flat, I have developed the necessary skills to cope. Oooh, I feel I’ve come across all Liam Neeson!

 

 This mainly involves me psyching myself up. And this is where the S.H.I.T.S come into play.

These quite simply, are the

Spider

Hysteria

Induced

Tourettes

Syndrome

My language becomes foul!

 

When the Twins are around it takes every fibre in my body not to let a bluey slip and I have developed the knack to substitute certain words. So far I have managed to keep their ears innocent. But by gum it takes some doing! Not only do I now have to focus on a) where the beast is, and b) what implement I have to use but also c) the words I am using to summon my courage. (Now I just have an image of He-Man in my head!) When I’m alone I have no qualms! I’d put a sailor to shame!

(Only with less glitter and lightning and considerably looser abs!)

 I would have thought by now that the Spider community would have heard rumours of this mad woman and that the warnings would be shockingly stark. Surely mother spids are telling their babies never to go near the house of ‘that lady’, surely by now I am the Halloween story used to scare baby spids into good behaviour.  I mean come on! This is the woman who after a dose of raid, a good stamp, a hurl of abusive obscenities and even uses a chopstick to finish it off when it hides betwixt carpet and skirting board!

 

Now, I would just like to point out, that I am not proud of this side of me. I would give anything to be able to calmly collect the beastie up and escort it outside whilst having a little giggle with it about what a silly sausage it has been, but I just can’t do it.  I have tried all manner of beast catchers and removers but they don’t work for me. Especially when the bastard decides to run up the bloody pole of the removing device, right towards my hand. Nu-uh! Not happening.

So unless I have a miraculous shift in personality or bump into Derren Brown, then I’m sorry but the lady’s not for turning!

 

Our house is full with 478 conkers this year, yet I know that I will still see a spider breezily sitting atop of one offering up a cheeky wink! I know that despite the carpet spray I have covered the house with they will still enter.

 

I just pray to God that I don’t have the experience that my dear friend Charlie’s Mum had…seeing two of the fekkers bumping uglies on top of her kitchen worktop.

 That my friend would be the final straw and I would have only one option left…

 

 

 

The Aloha Mummy

(genuine wildlife lover – just not ‘them’ in my house.)

I’ve been Liebstered!

I’ve been Liebstered!!

 

Well big up to the lovely turningupindevon for my nomination in this delectable q and a sesh! (I’m already picturing Cookie Monster presenting Monsterpiece Theatre! Yes folks, that is my level!)

 So without much ado I shall get right on with the questions set for me a la a Mizz magazine quiz style-ee.

Firstly I shall answer the questions set for me then I will undertake the responsibility of setting my homework with utmost research, presentation and use of multimedia so as to hit all Ofsted objectives…wait a mo, I am a teacher but as I am on maternity I can relax a little there phew! I shall then select my nominees! Watch this space!

Good evening and welcome to Alohapiece Theatre with me The Aloha Mummy.

My questions from @turningupindevon…

1.What’s your favourite weirdest sandwich filling?

I do love a good crisp sandwich and my crisp of choice is without doubt Walkers Salt and Vinegar squares!!

2.Which celeb would you have around for dinner?

Steve Backley – no question!

3.Your worst holiday destination (Like ever).

Well, arriving at our camp site destination to find very few pitches left and knowing we had a monster sized family tent was nail-biting but then having selected the best of the remaining few and finally pitching the tent before dusk….I noticed that a lot of wasps were faffing about near us. At that precise moment the Twins bounded up to me with the cry of ‘Mummy, we’ve found a massive wasps nest!’ After initially puffing that crazy claim aside with a nonchalant air I thought I might just double check! Sure enough, in the bank directly behind our tent, buried in a deep hole was a wasps nest the size of a football. Great. Best inform Hubs. Also, thought I’d go and tell the Receptionist. She informed me that the ‘Wasp Man’ was on site and had in fact been so all day trying to locate a nest. He arrived at our pitch sporting the latest in wasp catcher garments and the most technical looking capture item. Ahem. A bucket with a lid. Much like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang luring in curious children with sweet treats, this guy soon had a throng of campsite kids sitting on the bank in eager anticipation. More deftly than I was expecting him to be, he quickly and efficiently scooped out the nest and flung it the bucket and he slammed the lid on top. He then proceeded to invite all the kids to come in close with the shout of ‘Kids, come and listen to this!’. At which point he shook the hell out of the bucket and even from my safe distance I could hear the intense annoyance of the inhabitants! Thankfully the lid stayed in place but for the rest of our holiday we had to put up with ‘confused wasps’ wandering about looking for their lost home and beloved Queen. Marvellous.

4.TV, Computer or Book and why?

Book every time for peace, imagination and total immersion into a story. Bliss! I would at this point, like to point you in the direction of a rather amusing little book… It’s a book by Lane Smith. You’re welcome!

5.What is your favourite kid’s film?

Labyrinth! David Bowie ultimate hero!

6.Henry Cavil or Tom Hiddleston for a date?

Soz, sooo not in the Hiddleston camp! So would have to go with the Cavil…although if I could …I refer you to my answer in Q.2.

7.What’s your secret favourite (not really allowed) pop song!

Oh this has to be ‘Crazy’ by Let Loose!

8.If you could fly in the sky or swim under the sea, which would you do and why?

Fly in the sky for the freedom, the space and the views.

9.Victoria Sponge or Carrot Cake and why if you can be arsed?

Victoria Sponge; classic and simple…the cake, not me!

10.What makes you you in 5 words?

Loyal, creative, daft, dancer, Wummy (that’s a Wife and Mummy combined as otherwise I would have been over my word limit!)

And there we have it!

Now my questions to my nominated pals!

1. Which Telly Tubby do you most relate to and why?
2. What treasured item from your childhood do you still keep close?
3. Hotel or private villa for your next holiday?
4. Do you know which Chinese animal you were born into the year of (without googling it!)?
5. Who did you last bake a cake for and what was the occasion?
6. If you had time (!) what new hobby would you like to learn?
7. Worst fashion mistake during your teens?
8. If there was a theme tune playing for you as you walk down the street, what would it be and why?!
9. Which celeb would play you in a film about your life?
10. Cream Tea time…cream first then jam on top, …or the wrong way?!

And my nominees are:

@lisapomerantz   @flossyandjim   @eatbermondsey   @exploringexeter

Without appearing like a bossy-boots…

Here is what you need to do:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
2. Display the Liebster Award badge
3. Answer the questions set for you
4. Nominate bloggers who you follow
5. Let the nominees know they have been nominated (obvs, otherwise they’ll never know!)
6. Set them their probing questions!

The Aloha Mummy 🌺